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The thing that is getting to me most right now is the not sleeping and the voices. It takes me forever to get to sleep and then i can’t even stay asleep I wake up every 20 or so minutes. The voices feel like they are getting worse but I am afraid to tell anymore or even say it out loud because I don’t want it to be true. I am sick of never feeling OK and I am sick of always being that girl who is always getting sick.
I feel as though I am running on empty I don’t have anything left to give and no matter how much I get done there is always more to do. I don’t think I can keep going on like this much longer, I don’t have anything left to give. Even the few things I still enjoyed doing are disapearing and I no longer look forward to them, instead it’s just one more thing I have to do that I don’t have the energy for.
My concentration is basically non existant anymore, whenever I am trying to concentrate the voices get louder and they just talk to themselves about me and how I shouldn’t even be trying and stuff. I feel worthless.
I feel surreal, like nothing is real anymore. It’s almost as though it doesn’t matter what happens now because I can’t hurt anymore.
There is this really good thing that has just happened but I don’t feel like i have the energy to be happy about it or to enjoy it, I only have just enough energy to do my day to day things.
I was really anxious about coming back to school, I just wanted to stay at the beach house in bed where I felt nothing bad could happen to me, and thats all I have the energy for is to curl up in a ball and stay there.
It’s as though there is this point and when I reach it I will break, that point is my limit once I hit it I can’t cope anymore I won’t even be able to do my day to day things and lately that point is getting closer each second that passed brings it closer and closer. It could be hours or days until I reach it but I know i will and it will be soon.
13th July
Intake: -Cereal 235cal
-Blueberry Muffin 510cals
-Yogurt 125cal
-Hot Chocolate 143cal
TOTAL: 1014
Outtake: according to http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc
Activity Calories burned
Talking on phone 36
Washing dishes 51
Walking – up stairs 92
Studying 212
Writing 243
Walking 3 mph 250
Sleeping 532
Total Calories Burned 1,416
it’s so hard, i’m packing to go away and everything i find all i can think is omg no you can’t wear that you will look like a fucking cow! everything i pick up makes me feel fat. i can’t stand it i need to loose weight! i will be with my auntie while i’m away and she feeds me so much. i was getting ready for a fast but i know there is no way that will happen 
i guess i just need to try and eat as little as possible until i get home and then i will fast, i will make sure i get down to my goal weight (i will be putting my goal weight and currant weight up when i get back). it’s just so hard i feel so depressed because i know i will be putting on weight and because we are going on a road trip we will be eating out a lot and i will not be getting hardly any exercise. i can’t even take diet pills because if my auntie sees them she will kill me! all i feel like doing is cutting myself i need that relief but i can’t because my mum has been checking.. maybe if i do it on my hip where my underwear cover it and all my fat will probably hang over it and cover it anyway. Ahhg i hate this knowingthat even though i need to loose so so so much weight to even look ok i can’t do anything about it for a week and a half i just want to never eat again. i have almost packed but i feel so shit because i know i will look so fat in everything i take! i hate my body and my life! right now all i want to do is go to sleep and never wake up.
I hate this it’s only 6.45pm but I am so tired I can’t hardly keep my eyes open. All I want to do is go to bed, but if I do mum will wonder what’s wrong because I didn’t eat all my dinner but how an she expect me too I need to loose weight so why would I eat lots? I have so much homework I have no idea how I am going to do it Friday especially since some is only being emailed on Thursday but I have to have it all done before Friday because I am going to be away for the rest of the holidays.
today when i was in the chemist all i wanted to do was get my medication when i handed the script in the guy was looking at me funny and staring at me, then when it was ready the same guy gave it too me, he asked how i was feeling and how my day was and that he hoped these were working for me and told me that things would be OK, it was like he was hitting on me but patronizing me at the same time! i am i not normal just because i am on anti depressants? does it mean you have to speak to me like i am a baby and i can’t understand? i am so sick of being judged!
What really pisses me off is those “friends” who only ever call or MSG you when they need something, or need someone to talk. They don’t actually care how you are or how you feel or even anything about you it is all about them, what they need and what they feel. And what’s worse it they tell you that you are a bad friend and a bitch and blah blah blah because maybe you don’t answer one msg or you take them out of your top friends, but really the only reason you are in theirs in because you asked why you weren’t. I am so so so sick of being treated like shit, when they act like they are but really they don’t! everyone seems to do this to me and everyone seems to think that it is me who is the bitch and the bad friend! i am so so so over it! i can’t do this anymore.
I am so sick of feeling like this. I got myself to school on friday but because I hadn’t slept i was shaking so much and could hardly stand i got sent home which ment i missed even more classes. I just don’t feel like i can’t cope anymore.
With friends i asked them when they were free over the holidays but they say they don’t know, and that they will probably have some time but only if i went down there. I hate it that they will never come up here. I feel like they only ever want to see me when it is conveniant and that they don’t really want to be friends with me all they really want is to see me when no one else is around. The one friend who i feel is still a friend is overseas until the end of august of something like that.
I try and make my day as normal as possible but it never seems to work. I feel surreal, nothing feels real anymore, i can bearly taste the food i eat. I feel totally numb, well maybe not totally numb, i still feel pain, i am hurting all the time and i just want it to stop. I can’t do this anymore.
Everything is suxh a struggle to do, even things like getting out of bed in the morning or doing my washing, it is so hard and only gets done when i absolutly has to. All i feel i was the energy to do is to crawl up in a ball and sleep, and even if i can[‘t sleep, just to lie there.
The voices don’t stop either, i try to ignore them but it seems the more i do that the more they come, they seem to be there constanly just talking and annoying me. They are always saying negative things it doesn’t matter what i am doing or where i am they just won’t stop and I just want them to go away and leave me alone i tell them that and they just laugh at me.
I know that i am the only person who can make myself feel better and i have been trying, but i just don’t see how i can, everyone says they believe that i can. But i don’t, i don’t think i can, i used to believe i could but i have used up all my faith and i have none left, i have used up all my energy too i have nothing left to give.
Every time i leave the house, or even just get out of bed i put on a happy face, or even sometimes i can’t even manage that instead i make it look like i am ok. but really i don’t feel happy or even ok.
I am always getting sick and I am so so sick of it, i seem to always be sick, i feel like people are always judging me saying how i must not really be sick because i am sick so often, but they have no idea how much i would like to be healthy and not always sick, how much i would love no to always have doctors appointments. I try and pretend i am not sick but that wears me down, i can’t pretend for long. then when i am sick and i admit it i feel like such a burden like people must think i am an attention seeker or something. i hate it and the voices they agree, they think i do it all for attention. I am so tired of living like this, but i only see one way out.
ok wow it’s been ages lol
i haven’t really done anything… i have just spent time in bed and stuff. I still can’t seem to get get up or motivated, all i do is sit around.
i feel totally numb. i don’t even know what to say… i’ll write tomorrow.
-strive for perfection-
We had a study session at school today for psychology; I could not concentrate at all. I felt so down the whole time because people where complaining about getting like 89% and stuff, I am barely passing right now and my exam is in like 4 days. This weekend I am staying up at this house to study but I can’t get motivated and I hate it!
All the time the voices are there just telling me all these things and I can’t help but listen because they just don’t stop!
